In my years as a psychotherapist, I would often be met with someone struggling with grieving. Most often people came to see me because either they were anxious they weren’t grieving “correctly” or that a loved one was concerned for them. Some came in because someone had told them “You need to talk about it.”

I also grew up in a family that lost two children. Grief that didn’t get talked about was a fairly constant presence.

The concern regarding “correct” grieving often relates to Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ theory of five stages of grieving. Thus, a client might say “I haven’t been angry at my loved one” or “I don’t believe I’ve done any bargaining.” Dr. Kubler-Ross herself clarified that she never meant for the 5 stages to be a blueprint to grieving but rather as a guideline for common grief experiences.

Grief of course comes on the heels of death. It is the natural response to the loss of a loved one. Grief can also come from other types of losses – the ending of a relationship, the loss of a job, the disruption of a life goal.

Most of us feel sadness when contemplating the loss. Some may also have to deal with anger as part of grieving. This may be anger over the loss (“Why did God take him/her?”) or perhaps an unresolved hurt in need of forgiveness. The challenge of grieving is to figure out how we move forward. This would be what Kubler-Ross meant by acceptance. The event has happened. How do I get on with my life? Not an easy question.

The other trap of grieving is the belief that acceptance means I am finished grieving. I don’t belief grieving ever ends. There is no “I am done grieving.” The sense of sadness becomes a part of moving forward. It can come in unexpected ways. Perhaps the sadness is triggered by a piece of music. Grief can even be triggered by smells. I loved my Uncle Gaddy a great deal. He was my surrogate grandfather. He also smoked cigars. Once I was at an event and smelled a wisp of cigar smoke. Immediately my uncle was there in my memory.

Some people may even experience what can feel like an hallucination. One woman was concerned because se still heard the squeak of her front step which would signal her husband’s return from work. For some time after his death, she would still hear that squeak. I assured her this was normal, a part of her treasure trove of memories.

Given that there is no correct way to grieve, it does help to talk about the loss. What I miss about my loved one. Some of the Irish wakes of my youth would involve stories about the deceased. Thus, ironically some grief may include laughter.

Finally, it should be noted that grief and depression are not the same and that not everyone who grieves is depressed. Depression may come from a sense of being stuck, of being unsure how to move forward.

The one book I most often recommend is A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. Lewis was a staid midlife bachelor professor who suddenly and unexpectedly fell in love and married. His Joy-filled time ended tragically with his wife’s death some two years later. His book reflects his efforts to come to grips with his grief and the challenges it presented to his faith. The book doesn’t have a happy ending but with Lewis accepting that his grief will go on. As he says poetically “Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.”

Grief, then, can be viewed as the price we pay for loving. The only way I know to avoid grief is to not care.