I was recently diagnosed with skin cancer. Not pre-cancer but melanoma. Full-blown cancer. Thankfully it was treatable since it was in situ, i.e., on the surface. My initial research revealed that in situ melanoma was very treatable if it was caught early. That research also revealed that skin cancer could be deadly, especially if not caught early.

They say there are no atheists in foxholes or at death beds. I suspect there are very few atheists at the time of a diagnosis of cancer. As I awaited the initial appointment with the skin oncologist, I found all my spiritual beliefs confronted.

As a person in recovery, I am directed to “let go and let God.” That works just fine when I am faced with a flight delay or a tough night sleeping. But I struggled with letting go when faced with the C-word.

I also knew I could pray about it. My journey of faith, however, is one replete with questions and doubts. I questioned whether praying for a healing was honest, given all my struggles. I then had a comforting thought: “Try praying honestly” I thought. And so I talked to God about my fears. I talked about how I knew that, at 76, I would not live forever. I also realized that, despite my doubts, I have never stopped believing. In essence my prayer was “Here I am, Lord, with all my doubts and questions.”

I always thought profound spiritual experiences were for other people. Bright lights. Messages from God. These things happened to True Believers not to questioners like me. At that point something happened.

The voice I heard was not mine. It was not outside my head like an auditory hallucination. But it wasn’t my voice. It said “You’ve spent your journey seeking. You’ve spent your journey trying to share what you learn with others. You’ve talked about being a Wounded Healer. See what you can learn from this and share it with others.” After hearing that voice in my head, I felt comforted. I had been given a spiritual perspective that would work for me.

When I shared this with my wife, she mentioned “Today is your mother’s birthday.” Perhaps she who had such a deep faith and who greatly believed in the power of prayer had intervened on my behalf.

I learned today that the surgeon has apparently gotten all the cancer cells. But I also know that, having had skin cancer, I am more vulnerable for it to recur. I understand that the cancer I have faced is not as deadly as that facing friends. It is not the non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma faced by my friend for 20 years.. It is not the type of stomach cancer that killed my mother. For that I am grateful.

So what have I learned?

I have learned that fear is real and that accurate information can help allay fear.

I have learned that prayer helps but that the prayer has to be honest. I can’t pray in a way I think I should. I have to be honest amidst my questions and doubts.

I found that reaching out helps. The presence of my wife and children on this journey was invaluable.

I was once again confronted with my arrogance. All these years I never thought I needed sunscreen!

Maybe that was God’s voice I heard. After all, I’ve claimed for a long time that the most powerful thing Jesus said was “The Kingdom of God is within you.” Because it might have been God’s voice, that’s why I decided to share this piece. Cancer called me to reach some clarity on what I really believed and to share.

The journey continues this time with the Big C, an important teaching stop along the way.

Reflection: Feel free to share anything you are comfortable doing so regarding any encounters you’re had with cancer or any other life-threatening disease.